Feeling Sexually Bored? Maybe a Little Numb?

Once upon a time, I felt sexually discarded – almost numb. I didn’t feel like anyone noticed me anymore as a sexual being. I was a lot of things, a wife, mother, worker-bee, daughter, sister and general good doer! But a sexually being? A hottie? A Head turner? Not so much! And I once was! What happened?

Sexually Bored

Maybe it was the baby weight – or my life obligations, or monogamy. I didn’t know – but I had stopped looking in the mirror and I didn’t see myself reflected back in the eyes of men anymore. I felt like nobody saw me as a sexual being anymore – and I think that perhaps that is because I stopped seeing myself as a sexual being. The fact is that I was not unattractive. I was perhaps a little too plump by societies standards, but I was not un-kempt or unattractive. But I had lost the swing to my hips.

The good news? I got it back – in spades in my forties and even wrote a book about it! And now at fifty, I am now owning my sexuality in ways that I don’t think that I had a clue about in my 20′s and 30′s. For me – my forties were a time of reawakening and reclaiming my sexually discarded self. And you can do it too, even if you think it is not possible. There are lots of ways to get your sexual mojo back and reclaim your sexuality. I don’t mean to sound like a twisted soccer mom here – but I believe that your pleasure is not only important – but it is a vital life force that deserves to be nutured. And the reclaiming of your sexual pleasure will not only bring joy back to your life – but to those around you! You know that old saying – “If mama isn’t happy – nobody is happy!”

So – take a few steps to help reclaim your sexuality from the trash bin!

1. Make time for pleasure. If you don’t put the oxygen mask over your face first – you can’t help others. So make time for yourself. Put yourself at the top of the totem pole. It’s not selfish – it is necessary.

2. Reach for some help! There are some fabulous products on the market that can give your sexuality a reboot! I love Zestra for women! It’s an arousal gel. And there have been times when it has really helped me shake things up at home.

3. Be compassionate to yourself. Know that you are not alone. Other people are searching for answers too. Talk to your friends. What are they doing to help themselves recharge their batteries? You might be surprised if you open up the conversation! Sharing tips with friends will make you laugh and open your eyes to new possibilities.

4. Create intimacy with yourself. What can you do to remove the barriers to pleasure in your life? I think that learning to see ourselves with new eyes can change how the world sees us.

I believe that our sexuality is self renewing with no expiration dates. You can recharge, reboot and recycle! It’s there – waiting for you.…

Biting Hank’s Belly

Belly

I am not the woman that Hank first met over two years ago. I remember that woman when I read my own memoir – “Shameless”. But sometimes, I can hardly remember myself back then. I remember self consciously dancing naked with him (him dressed of course) – and feeling completely humiliated. It was so hard to be in my skin back then. It was beyond difficult for me to undress and be seen. I can remember like it was yesterday. I can remember him once asking me to climb to my knees – and the shame I felt in my body made it almost impossible. Skip forward in time….

Who is that woman on her knees on Hank’s table – naked except for black slightly worn thigh high stockings. Was that me? A hedonistic Goddess enjoying all the places that my arousal was taking me. I was dancing and swaying like a spirit had possessed my body as feather paddle was making itself known on my skin. Hank was playing with all manner of sensation toys and I was dancing with all of the different flavors that each played on my skin. I was dancing with Hank – but mostly I was dancing with the spirit that was alive inside of my body. This great big erotic energy that was flying through my soul and swirling around around my heart.

The music was a part of my arousal. I love the music that Hank plays for me. It is rich and tribal. The music calls forth this wild creature inside of myself. I was for a brief time without self judgment. I love that.

Before I climbed onto the table to begin my tribal sex dance – I was bent over the massage table. I love that place. I felt my leg wrap around Hanks’ body as he began to touch to me. I loved my session with Hank. They were safe – full of boundaries. I was really able to let myself go – and I did.

I was lost in the moment. I only half noticed my leg reaching back and wrapping around his. What was I doing? I never touch back! I felt myself reach back for him – and his breath on my neck. I wanted to drop to my knees and kiss his body. I wanted to start at his feet and work my way up. “Down Girl”….I told myself. This is Hank. You do not kiss Hank full on the mouth. You do not sexually engage with Hank. This is about you – not Hank.

But I wanted to. That was when I climbed on the table. I needed to go deeper inside myself…I needed to feel the dance with Hank – but I needed to go deeper into my own experience. And I did for awhile. I went to this amazing place where I was an African Princess dancing to the sensations that were vibrating in and around my body. With my eyes closed only the colors of the universe greeted me.

Oh – I felt the hands on my body – the sensation toys playing on my skin. And then Hank was in front of me. My body rose and then fell to a place of prostration as he held tightly onto my breasts. My breath was deep – and the wild, wantonness was back again. God I was loving this place – and celebrating my ease in being in it. It was like breathing in and out. It was that natural to me.

Hank’s fuzzy arms were teasing me. His hands pulling my hair. I wanted him to pull it harder. Perhaps I was an animal not a hedonistic Goddess or African Princess. I wanted to growl and shake my hair harder. I wanted to shake my hips. God! It felt so good to feel my erotic energy again! I rubbed my face into Hank’s body. I am allowed to do that. I found myself nuzzled into his arm pits, and I could smell his scent – and I started to nibble. Okay – maybe I started to bite Hank’s belly. Was that really me?

“I’m sorry!” I blurted out.

“For what?”

“For Biting your belly.”

“No you’re not! No you’re not! You are not sorry for biting my belly!!!” Hank laughed back at me. And started to playfully punish me with hand spanks on my ass. We were laughing – and I got over my embarrassment of falling over a boundary.

“You are right – I said. I am not sorry! Not in the least!”

And I went from the wild wanton creature to playful kitten. I wanted a pillow fight – and Hank grabbed the pillows. We went at it – me on the table bashing at Hank’s body – and him giving it to me double.

I was breathless, full of giggles and back in Hank’s arms until it was time to go. In NYC it was a very rainy gray day. Inside Hank’s apartment there was light. And I got to touch for a little while, that beautiful energy inside myself that stitches the rest of me together.

I still want to bite Hank’s belly.

Dear Readers:
I am getting lots of requests for me “Hank Stories” so here is another private entry from my secret journals! Enjoy getting to know “Hank”! This journal was written in 2009.…

Home Grown Sex

My husband took the day off today. He just forgot to tell me that he was doing this, and I had made plans with a girl friend to go walking – and it was a girlfriend that I have trouble holding onto a date with.

Home Sex

Gavin said go take your walk and then we will spend the rest of the day together, and then he told me that he was taking the next day off too.

There was the initial feeling of joy and then panic. What would we do together? We are so used to being passing ships…or docked ships. Do we know how to be ships that are actively in port together anymore?

I decided to do something that I rarely do in my marriage, on a mid week morning. I just got naked. I did what I often have trouble doing in my own marriage – and talk to people about doing in their own lives all the time. I reached for sex. I actually did more than that, I asked for sex!

I asked for sex that I wasn’t even sure that I wanted, but I asked any way. I didn’t give my husband a script. I didn’t tell him what turned me on. I just asked him to make love with me.

Gavin said – “You will be late for your walk.”

I said, “No I won’t”

He looked at my nakedness and he came over and ran his hands over my unadorned body. “You know – your body is changing. I see you everyday so I don’t always notice, but you feel so different to my hands….your waist…oh….your ass..” He was positively purring. Well – this was a good start.

“There is a naked woman in my living room” He laughed. I left his arms and walked over to the bed.

“There is a naked woman in your bed…..”

Gavin climbed in after me and simply enjoyed touching my body. The man has good hands.

I wanted to do something a little different. I didn’t know what – just something….in retrospect just having sex in the middle of the morning on a weekday was a little bit different!!!

I climbed into his lap and just started to “run energy” with him. Running energy is breathing into each other bellies, and feeling your pelvis’s connect. It is very “Tantra”. My husband is not very Tantra!

He was very unsure. We had to adjusted our bodies. I tried to do what I have often done in workshops with my husband – I tried to focus on root chakra energy and breath. I could feel him becoming aroused. Well, I guess his his root chakra was awake….I was feeling encouraged.

I laid back in the bed, And left my legs and bottom just where they were in his lap. I was completely relaxed…soft. He had complete access to my body….and he took advantage of that….

You know – My husband is fine lover after 29 years or so…the fact that we can even get a buzz on from each other is something worth celebrating! I am not going into the details, but with my husband – I simply don’t worry “taking too long” or anything else. One of the joy of marriage is there is no self consciousness with him at all – there is just pleasure.

I return to consciousness, and began to love his body. This was not a day for rushing and I took my time with his pleasure. I think a lot about married monogamous long term sex. I was even thinking about it a little bit until his sounds of pleasure turned into softer breath, and a peaceful holding.

Was our love making this hot, frenzied place of passion? Well – No. But it was lovely….

I don’t know how long it has been in the space between our love making. Sometimes, life gets in the way of finding time for each other in this way. But perhaps the space doesn’t matter I don’t know. Perhaps what matters is that we can still come together, when we do come together and find pleasure with each other.

Our love making feeds me in the way that it feeds me. When we join together it is solid, without frills and deeply satisfying…

I had long ago stopped trying to create it into being something that it is not. I seem to only get into trouble when I want my marriage bed to something different than it is – when my expectations of my husband out strip where he wants to go….

But if I simply present myself – offer my body in a very simple way – this man reaches for me….and loves me so beautifully.

It is home made sex. Simple, satisfying and after almost three decades often without frills…but the kind of meal that you don’t have to worry about. You know if you bother to cook it….it will be just what you need. It will be enough.

Later that day – with the sun shining….Mr and Mrs took a walk in our neighborhood. We haven’t done this in a very long time. We held hands the way that we have held hands since I was seventeen years old. It is all so familiar and it is all so home grown. It is a big piece of who I still am….this man….our family…..our little home. Gavin doesn’t hold all the parts of me. But he does love, hold and know my heart like no one else.

Authors Note: This writing is from my private journals – and was written months ago. I hope you enjoyed it. It’s Valentines Day and I am on the road without my honey – I was missing “Home Grown Sex”!…